Jay Leno went into the audience at the Tonight show, to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter…Snowing and quite cold… and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a  day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. ! ! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing  however, she soon becam e aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car’s fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date’s concerns about’ what is taking so long’ with a reply that indeed, she was ‘freezing her butt off’ and in need of some assistance!  He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in  the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be ‘pants down’. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno’s comment… ‘This  gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.’

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Thank you Brighid for the wonderful laugh

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game,

while both male and female reindeers grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeers retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer,
EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should’ve known…

ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

With thanks to Deb for this little beauty

A Dublin Special

My friend Margaret is a teacher in North Dublin, she phoned me at the weekend to tell me this story about her class of six  year old children. As Christmas loomed and decorations appeared at every corner, the children’s thoughts turned to Santa and the presents they hoped for.

On Friday the class were very restless, so Margaret asked her class to draw a nativity scene.

The children soon got to work with pencils, markers and crayons, drawing beautiful stables, mangers animals and people. The concentration was massive and the only sounds were pencils & crayons scratching across pages to fill them with colour!

In all the lovely drawings, Mary watched over the Baby Jesus, while Joseph stood by. Huh! Nothing changes, but then I don’t suppose he had to test the fairy lights for a Tree!

Walking between the desks Margaret stopped at Josephine’s desk to admire her master piece. She grew puzzled when she noticed a huge guy (not unlike Shrek), right in the middle of the nativity scene, peering over Mary’s shoulder.  All the important characters were there with angels, shepherds, wise men, sheep, cows and mighty humped camels.  This large fellow was a bit of a mystery.

“Who’s that there?” she asked Josephine, pointing at the rotund peeper.

“That fella there, is Round John Virgin, miss,” Josephine announced proudly.

“Round John who?” Margaret stuttered trying to control her laughter.

“You know miss.  Like in the carol, Silent Night.

‘Round John Virgin, mother and child’.  He takes care of Holy Mary.”

You don’t have to go further than Verse 1 to find him….

Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace

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Thank you Margaret for the wonderful story

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”
“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo.  They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day.  Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?  I’ll give
you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!  There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.  With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde,”but we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”

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Thank you Darlene for this one.

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the
congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his pay-check.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman’s
additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, ‘Children are a
gift from God,’ he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail
voice said, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we
wear raincoats.’

And the congregation said…AMEN !!!

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With thanks to a good friend who sent it to me!

Police officer: ‘ I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’

Driver: ‘Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ‘

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly, dear — you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’

As the officer writes out the ticket, Driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?’

The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.’

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’

Officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir.  That’s an automatic $75 fine.’

Driver:  ‘Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’

Wife:  ‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?’

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Wife: ‘Only when he’s been drinking!!!’

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Thanks Paddy for this weeks contribution

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning. He felt that in this suit he can do business.  As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.

He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”

The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”

To this the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”

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Thanks Robert for this little number

A pastor discovered that his church was getting into very serious financial trouble.  While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several unopened cartons of new bibles. So that Sunday, he asked the congregation for three parishioners to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie raised their hands.  The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a farmer who always kept to himself because of his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

The minister asked Jack, ‘Well, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?’

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, ‘Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here’s the $200 I collected for the church.’

‘Fine job, Jack!’ The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. ‘You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.’

Turning to Paul, ‘And how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?’

Paul, smiling and strutting, replied, ‘I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s the $280 I collected.’

The minister replied, ‘That’s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.’

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, ‘And did you manage to sell any bibles last week?’

Louie silently handed the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. ‘What on earth?’ the minister exclaimed. ‘Louie, there’s $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?’

Louie just nodded.

‘That’s impossible!’ Jack and Paul said in unison. ‘We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we did!’

‘Yes, this does seem unlikely,’ the minister agreed. ‘I think you better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.’

Louie shrugged. ‘I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,’ he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. ‘For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said when they answered the door!’

‘A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,’ Louis replied, ‘W-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks — o-o-o-or — wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?’

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Who but the old salesman, Ramana, would have sent this to me.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Palermo Italy went to the local church for confession.  When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

“Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.

“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours.  This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a load off my mind. I do have one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”

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Thanks to ECP for this weeks offering.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
“What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,”  she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please. . .” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.  We don’t necessarily like the music,
but the answer to your question is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied.  “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does…..

He says he can’t communicate with me !!”

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Thank you Mayo for this one.