Grannymar

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mama that she is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!’

The girl picks up the telephone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

‘Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge.  I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?’

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him….

‘You a gonna try again.’

Sunday Sermon

“Dear Lord,” the Pastor began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.

“Without you, we are but dust…” He would have continued but at that moment a very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice,

“Mum, what is butt dust?”

Cinderella continued…

When I was a very young child, I liked nothing better than having stories read to me. One of my favourites was Cinderella. I think you all know the story so I will skip the ball and the slippers bit and bring you up to date….

Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front door, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years”?

The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
“The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability allowances, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension”. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother”
The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?”

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.” At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.” Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.” With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…
“Bet you’re sorry now that you cut my nuts off”

Don’t distract the driver….

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, ‘I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.’

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, ‘No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab……………….

I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.’

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy junction, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, “for the love of God, GO! GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from the Gold Coast back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach…

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Fijian’s good luck sign

or something. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Fiji , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Fijian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Do you think that Grandma was Nancy?

Twitter is not twittering properly.

Amazon is not amazing.

Google Mail is acting up.

Since the unmanned Phoenix space probe made its successful landing on Mars on 25th May, the Interweb has wobbled

Image courtesy of BBC News

Until it settles you need something to think about!

Have a nice Weekend!

A man walks into the local social welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, “Hi. I just HATE drawing the dole. I’d really rather have a job.”

The young lady behind the counter says “Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful, nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, all of your meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You’ll also be provided with a two-bedroom apartment. The starting salary is £150,000 a year.”

The man, wide-eyed, says, “You’re kidding’ me!”

The social worker says, “Yeah well… You started it.”

Be careful what you ask for…

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.

‘I’d like to be six again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well dear, what was it like being six again??’

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. ‘I meant my dress size, you idiot!’

The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he’s going get it wrong.

Archives:
2007: My Visitor

A grandparent

A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived.

”Oh,” he said, ‘’she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

0~0~0~0

Grandad is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him.

0~0~0~0

It’s funny when Grandad bends over, you hear gas leaks and he blames the dog.”

Young Molly asked her mum, ‘Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?’ Mum replies, ‘No, because she is in heat.’

‘What’s that mean?’ asked the child.

‘Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’

Molly goes to the garage and says, ‘Dad, may I take Phoebe for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she was in heat, and to come to you.’

Dad said, ‘Bring Phoebe over here Molly.’ He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s tail end with it to disguise the scent, and said

‘OK, you can go now, but keep Phoebe on the leash and only go once around the block.’

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, dad asked, ‘Where’s Phoebe?’

The little girl said, ‘She ran out of petrol about half way round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.’