There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the
congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his pay-check.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman’s
additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, ‘Children are a
gift from God,’ he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail
voice said, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we
wear raincoats.’

And the congregation said…AMEN !!!

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With thanks to a good friend who sent it to me!

Police officer: ‘ I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’

Driver: ‘Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ‘

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly, dear — you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’

As the officer writes out the ticket, Driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?’

The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.’

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’

Officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir.  That’s an automatic $75 fine.’

Driver:  ‘Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’

Wife:  ‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?’

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Wife: ‘Only when he’s been drinking!!!’

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Thanks Paddy for this weeks contribution

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning. He felt that in this suit he can do business.  As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.

He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”

The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”

To this the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”

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Thanks Robert for this little number

A pastor discovered that his church was getting into very serious financial trouble.  While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several unopened cartons of new bibles. So that Sunday, he asked the congregation for three parishioners to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie raised their hands.  The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a farmer who always kept to himself because of his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

The minister asked Jack, ‘Well, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?’

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, ‘Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here’s the $200 I collected for the church.’

‘Fine job, Jack!’ The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. ‘You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.’

Turning to Paul, ‘And how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?’

Paul, smiling and strutting, replied, ‘I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s the $280 I collected.’

The minister replied, ‘That’s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.’

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, ‘And did you manage to sell any bibles last week?’

Louie silently handed the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. ‘What on earth?’ the minister exclaimed. ‘Louie, there’s $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?’

Louie just nodded.

‘That’s impossible!’ Jack and Paul said in unison. ‘We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we did!’

‘Yes, this does seem unlikely,’ the minister agreed. ‘I think you better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.’

Louie shrugged. ‘I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,’ he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. ‘For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said when they answered the door!’

‘A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,’ Louis replied, ‘W-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks — o-o-o-or — wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?’

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Who but the old salesman, Ramana, would have sent this to me.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Palermo Italy went to the local church for confession.  When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

“Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.

“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours.  This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a load off my mind. I do have one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”

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Thanks to ECP for this weeks offering.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
“What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,”  she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please. . .” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.  We don’t necessarily like the music,
but the answer to your question is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied.  “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does…..

He says he can’t communicate with me !!”

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Thank you Mayo for this one.

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ’seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

‘Sounds good,’ my wife said. ‘But I don’t want the eggs..’

‘Then, I’ll have to charge you
$3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.

‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ my wife asked incredulously.

‘YES!’ stated the waitress.

‘I’ll take the special then,’ my wife said..

‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.

‘Raw and in the shell,’ my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

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Thank you to  M & T for this little tale.

It always puzzled me how anyone could give more than 100% all is now revealed:-

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!
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Thank you David for passing this one on.

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most
expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the
checkout counter where  she told the checkout girl, “Nothing
but the best for my little kitten.”

The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we can’t
sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of
old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof
that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it
back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the
most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The
cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog,
claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated, she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She
was then given the dog cookies.

The next day, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The
little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the
hole. The cashier said, “No - you might have a snake in there.”
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the
box that would bite her.

So, the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out
and told the little old lady, “That smells like crap.” The little
old lady grinned from ear to ear, “Now, my dear, can I please
buy 3 rolls of toilet paper?”

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Dare I tell you who sent the story today?

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
“Its red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.”

“Thats correct”, said the boss.

Another glass.
“Its red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels.”

“Correct.”

The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

“Its a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.  And if you don’t give me the job, Ill also tell whos the father!”

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This came from a teetotal friend.