There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical, and the other one was known as Sister Logical. It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to make love to us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later…

SM: It’s not working.

SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

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And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

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Thanks Ello for this weeks contribution.

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As
soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.

The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out
laughing fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks
his assistant that, if the man returns, to follow him.

Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating
his actions once more. The assistant duly follows.

Half an hour later, he returns.

“So did you follow him?”

“I did.”

“And…where did he go?”
.
.
.
“Over to your house!”

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I cannot remember which of you Toyboys sent me this one?

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Antonio for dinner.
He lives with a female room-mate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Antonio’s room-mate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Antonio and his room-mate than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, Antonio volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just room-mates.”

About a week later, Maria came to Antonio saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear MaMa,

I’m not saying that you “did” take the sugar bowl from my house ; I’m not saying that you “did not” take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son
Antonio

Several days later, Antonio received a response email from his MaMa which read:

Dear son,

I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa

Moral: Never Bulla Shita you MaMa

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Brighid send the tale for this week.

What Confucius didn’t say (but probably should have):

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s’ leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs
behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS DIDN’T SAY …

“A lion will not cheat on his mate, but a Tiger Wood !!!!

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Thank you Paddy, for the fun today.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d  make a deal with his son:

‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.’

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,

‘Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.

The boy said,

‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair…and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.’

You’re going to love the Dad’s reply:

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‘Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?’

With muchly thanks to the hairy Hindu who happened to send me this tale!

Jay Leno went into the audience at the Tonight show, to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter…Snowing and quite cold… and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a  day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. ! ! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing  however, she soon becam e aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car’s fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date’s concerns about’ what is taking so long’ with a reply that indeed, she was ‘freezing her butt off’ and in need of some assistance!  He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in  the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be ‘pants down’. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno’s comment… ‘This  gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.’

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Thank you Brighid for the wonderful laugh

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game,

while both male and female reindeers grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeers retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer,
EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should’ve known…

ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

With thanks to Deb for this little beauty

A Dublin Special

My friend Margaret is a teacher in North Dublin, she phoned me at the weekend to tell me this story about her class of six  year old children. As Christmas loomed and decorations appeared at every corner, the children’s thoughts turned to Santa and the presents they hoped for.

On Friday the class were very restless, so Margaret asked her class to draw a nativity scene.

The children soon got to work with pencils, markers and crayons, drawing beautiful stables, mangers animals and people. The concentration was massive and the only sounds were pencils & crayons scratching across pages to fill them with colour!

In all the lovely drawings, Mary watched over the Baby Jesus, while Joseph stood by. Huh! Nothing changes, but then I don’t suppose he had to test the fairy lights for a Tree!

Walking between the desks Margaret stopped at Josephine’s desk to admire her master piece. She grew puzzled when she noticed a huge guy (not unlike Shrek), right in the middle of the nativity scene, peering over Mary’s shoulder.  All the important characters were there with angels, shepherds, wise men, sheep, cows and mighty humped camels.  This large fellow was a bit of a mystery.

“Who’s that there?” she asked Josephine, pointing at the rotund peeper.

“That fella there, is Round John Virgin, miss,” Josephine announced proudly.

“Round John who?” Margaret stuttered trying to control her laughter.

“You know miss.  Like in the carol, Silent Night.

‘Round John Virgin, mother and child’.  He takes care of Holy Mary.”

You don’t have to go further than Verse 1 to find him….

Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace

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Thank you Margaret for the wonderful story

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”
“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo.  They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day.  Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?  I’ll give
you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!  There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.  With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde,”but we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”

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Thank you Darlene for this one.

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the
congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his pay-check.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman’s
additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, ‘Children are a
gift from God,’ he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail
voice said, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we
wear raincoats.’

And the congregation said…AMEN !!!

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With thanks to a good friend who sent it to me!