Grannymar

Love Making Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses.  To make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2.. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.  (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want…  The neighbours are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.

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Thank you Cardi for this one

When you’re from the country ~ you look at things a little differently…

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door

“Is your Dad home?” the rancher asked.

“No sir, he isn’t,” the boy replied. “He went into town.”

“Well,” said the rancher, “Is your Mother here?”

“No sir, she’s not here either. She went into town with Dad.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No sir, He went with Mom and Dad.”

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” the boy asked politely. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad.”

“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad.  It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”‘

The boy considered for a moment.

“You would have to talk to Pa about that,” he finally conceded. “If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Howard.”

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Thank you Darlene for this weeks story.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs And make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes And you’re barefoot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

‘OLD’ IS WHEN..
‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take any fiber today.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?

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Thank you Hywel for this weeks contribution.

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theatre.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

“Marge,” whispered Mildred.

“What?” said Marge.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” asked Marge?

“He undid his pants and he has his thing out”, whispered Mildred.

“Well, don’t worry about it”, said Marge.. “at our age we’ve seen ‘em all”

“I thought so too”, said Mildred,

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“But this one’s eatin’ my popcorn!”

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Thank you Maynard for this weeks story.

A lady walks into Tiffany’s. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet, walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she accidentally lets out a fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like Tiffany’s, and greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?’

Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks, ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’

He answers,

‘Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit when I tell you the price!

Tiffany’s DIAMOND LINK BRACELET

Magnificent, classic, chic. Bracelet of round brilliant and baguette diamonds in platinum. £159,500

This little contribution came from my anonymouse friend!

No!  Don’t go getting all excited…. he sent the story and not the jewels!

On a beautiful summer’s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales .

At the town of,

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

“Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?

The girl leaned over and said,

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Burrr….    Gurrr….  King…

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Thank you David for this weeks story!

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch is a small town on the Island of Anglesey, which is located off the northwest coast ofNorth Wales.

One day, long, long ago,

there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch… 
( That would be me ) 

But that was a long time ago

and it was just that one day.

The End

Thank you Margaret for our chuckle today

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so ’spicy’ that I just laid down and told him
‘Take me, young man. Take me now!’

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ‘April Fool!’ And that’s when I shot him, the  little ba&tard

With thanks to Hywel, a teacher, for introducing me to this wonderful school story.

The Middle Wife

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years.

I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid I loved “show-and-tell”. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, ’show-and-tell’ is pretty tame..

Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.   I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it,  they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.   She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my baby brother and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love,  then Dad put a seed in my Moms stomach, and Luke grew in there.  He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’ She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’  Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.

‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’

(Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man.

They got my Mom to lie down on the bed like this.’

(Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

‘And then, pop!

My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty.   It just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’

(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push’ and ‘breathe, breathe.   They started counting, but never even got past ten.

Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother.  He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said was from Mom’s play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.

When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I’m sure I applauded the loudest.   Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along

Friend (F): Did you not go out tobogganing?

Me (M): LOL! I went ice skating instead. Snow is for young people, I was out for 30 mins today and an hour on 29th Dec.

(F): You won’t break any records with that!

(M): I don’t want to break anything.

(F): I Don’t blame you.

(M): I stood at the front door several times in the last week and my chest felt it was in a vice, it was not good I can tell you.

(F): Did you go out in the car today?

(M): A friend drove me. It is still very icy here.

(F): A toyboy????

(M): Not this time.

(F): Aaaw!

(M): My little neighbour has a bad chest infection and her water pipes are frozen. I took her down a large jug of water.

(F): Did you hear we’re facing water shortages here in Dublin?

(M): Nothing surprises me any more.

(F): Due to silly people running taps to stop pipes freezing plus breaks in water pipes!

(M): My sister has frozen water pipes – it is outside the house somewhere.

(F): Water pressure has been reduced around Dublin to conserve supply.

(M): Our water pressure is always reduced automatically in the winter months.

(F): We’ve lost internet connection here tonight.

(M): Remember how life was when we were young?

(F): I grew up in old house with no central heating only open fires.

(M): We have become so attached to the internet and central heating, how did we manage years ago? RTE 1 Television [only one station] - from 6pm to midnight or a radio the size of a wardrobe.  No mobile phones or computers, sitting round an open fire with our fronts scorched and our backs frozen! Shins covered in abc’s.  If you went out to get more coal, someone stole your warm seat!

(F): I remember it well. We had stone hot jars too for bedtime, jaysus, it makes me feel ancient! We had to put them in beds to stop them (beds) getting damp.

(M): Yeah, those days were awful. Frost on the inside of the windows, you got dressed to get into bed and then undressed and dressed again under the bedclothes in the morning! Oh! I remember not wanting to sit on the loo seat because it was so cold!

(F): ROFLOL!

(M): Stop laughing, it was no joke.

(F): You are telling me!  I still perch on one cheek sometimes ‘cos of the cold!

(M): I became a dab hand at sitting on my knickers.

(F): I dare you put that in a blog post.

(M): I will too! In the morning.

The moral of the story is never dare me to do something!