Grannymar

Over the years I have received many a gift. There were pens, gloves, scarves, and of course books. More recently perhaps due to my age the gifts have become smelly. There are candles, lotions and potions, perfumes and pickles, all accepted gracefully and used or passed on to someone in greater need.

I have always preferred the gift that was thoughtfully selected to cater for my interests and hobbies, rather than the latest fashionable ‘must have’ at exorbitant cost.

This wooden spoon was carried from York, England at the end of Elly’s first school trip and week away without her parents. She was all of nine years old. The harvest mouse and my name in poker work on the bowl of the spoon have long been worn to a shadow. The spoon has served me well over the years mixing cakes, stirring jam or many a large pot of soup. Each time I take the spoon in my hand I think of that little girl who excitedly handed me the gift as she recalled the fact she nearly missed the bus back to the hotel while queuing to have my name engraved on the spoon.

There were the twin machine sewing needles to give a double row of stitching that she brought back from London the following year and the measuring tape bought the first time she went shopping in Dublin without me.

These are items I have used many a time and often. Little did she or I think that that the measuring tape bought in Dublin all those years ago would be used in the measuring and making of her wedding outfit many years later!

At the weekend I received another gift, it was rather different and something we would all find hard to refuse.

It was a Money Tree! The gift came from Steph.

A money tree would be very useful these days with all the talk of recession. My mind began to wander… If it was real money what would I buy?

My needs are simple. Since the tree came from Steph I would buy a celebration gift for her and her hubby on this special day. Tonight I will raise a glass to you both and to another 30 years together.

I would give Elly & George a gift. Fill the Oil tank. Pay my bills for the year. Carry out running repairs on the bungalow. Pay someone to do the garden, perhaps update the car.

Now if you had a money tree how would you spend your windfall?

I heard a Dr speaking the other day about a patient presenting with very straight forward symptoms for tennis elbow.

The patient assured the GP that he never in his life played tennis and that he hated to even watch the game.

A long discussion ensued about lifestyle and exercise. Then the Doctor asked the patient to describe in detail how he had spent the last week. Eureka!

Now let me digress for a moment…

The must have gift at Christmas, from what I hear, was the Wii. I know a few people who did get a Wii with a couple of these as well.

Wii Remotes, so it is possible to play with both hands!

Now back to the Doctor, his patient and the Eureka moment. The patient did get a Wii for Christmas and now on top of that he has the newest version of RSI - now to be known as Wii Elbow!

So tell me did you get a wee Wii lately? Try to put it down for a while every now and then and do as I am often told - get a life!

One Christmas morning I looked at the gift I was handed and turned over the gift tag.

To Grannymar
With all my love
Jack
I love you from here to….

I carefully removed the gift wrap and discovered the missing word:

Eternity!

It was exactly what I wanted. A Bottle of Eternity Perfume, my favourite.

Only that morning I had squeezed the last dregs from the old bottle. With excited hands I opened the box to have another extravagant spray. Well, it was Christmas day after all! I sprayed and it might as well have been tap water! Plenty of liquid but no perfume! I was so disappointed. I ran and got the empty bottle I had discarded earlier and the scent from it was still so strong after months of use, yet the new one had none.

I asked Jack where he had purchased it. Boots, Donegal Place,” he said (that’s in Belfast).

My next question was “Do you have the receipt?” Alas, Jack was not good at keeping that kind of receipt. “No” he said “But I do have the cheque book stub!”

For several months that year in the run up to Christmas, it was not possible to listen to the Radio or watch TV without hearing warnings about purchasing Perfumes from reputable Dealers. ‘Perfume Shops’ were springing up all over the place and stories bandied about of counterfeit goods being traded. Jack had gone to a reputable dealer and paid full price for the goods. There was no way I would be fobbed off.

Early on the morning of 27^th December armed with the perfume, cheque book and an Elly who was tightly holding Book Tokens for a promised visit to Crane’s Bookshop the Grannymar Clan set off for Belfast to do battle with the Big Boys. The Sales started that day so the streets were thronged with bargain hunters. We made our way to Boots and the Perfumery Dept was almost empty. Now we all know that most Cosmetics manufacturers depend on the three weeks before Christmas to provide them with their profits for the year. Once Christmas is passed the sales slump until Mother’s day in March. The empty Cosmetic shelves in front of us that day were more than proof. Eventually a young lady stopped chatting to come and see to us.

Firstly I asked if she had a sampler bottle of Eternity for me to try. She had, and I did. I was satisfied that it smelt as it should. I then produced my problem bottle and said how disappointed I was and indeed my husband was that the gift he bought for me was not up to the usual standard. I apologised that we did not have the receipt but was able to tell her exactly the day it was bought and showed the check stub. I asked her to try the offending bottle to see if she could smell the difference. The main problem that day was that this sales lady was a temporary employee and the usual Calvin Kline representative was away until after 2^nd January.

I said that with all the publicity that year about counterfeit goods, we had listened and purchased from a reputable supplier. I queried if the goods ordered and paid for by Boots were not the goods supplied. I requested that ‘my’ bottle of perfume be sent back to the manufacturers for testing. I said “I know accidents can happen on conveyer belts” and that I wanted an explanation for the lack of scent in the bottle my husband purchased. I told the young lady that I knew that in no way was she responsible for the problem. My gripe was with her employers or Calvin Kline.

She did take the bottle, my details and phone number. Elly was becoming restless so we headed for Cranes and the wonderland of books. An hour at the book shelves and a refreshing cup of coffee later we were ready for home. We needed to be home at lunchtime as Elly was bound for a party in the afternoon.

During the afternoon I realised I had a dilemma! In my haste to have the Eternity problem sorted I had handed over my evidence and my details but had not received a receipt for it. I located the phone number for the Boots branch that we visited and asked to speak to the Manager. I was told he was on holiday. Worried that my ‘bottle’ might find its way to the garbage bin and my evidence with it, I then phoned the Head Office in Bangor, Co Down. Once again I asked to speak to the Manager but only got as far as his PA. She listened to my tale in full and assured me that she would pass on the information before the close of business that day. Again she took my phone number and said they would call me back.

At 5p.m. that day I had a call from Boots in Bangor. They had checked with the Belfast Store and had requested that the perfume I left would be forwarded to them. I received an apology for my disappointment and for the fact they did not have a replacement for me that day. New stock was not due until after the 6^th January. I was promised a call as soon as it was back in stock. I assured them that my gripe was not with Boots but with Calvin Kline.

2^nd January dawned and my phone began to ring. It was a call from Calvin Kline in London. They wanted to check the details provided to them by Boots. Once again I told my story. By this time I knew it by rote. Never once in all these conversations did I raise my voice. The apologies came my way once more and I kept stressing that I was not on the make but wanted the product sold tested!

On 6^th January I had a call from Boots in Bangor to say the perfume order had arrived and a bottle was set aside with my name on it, in the Belfast branch. The manager in Belfast phoned later in the day to say the same thing and I arranged a suitable time to collect my perfume.

Two weeks later a parcel arrived in the post from Calvin Kline in London with a complimentary replacement bottle of Eternity. Later still near the end of the month when I had forgotten about the episode a third bottle arrived from Calvin Kline USA with their compliments. I never did discover what exactly was wrong with the first bottle, but the three replacements were all as they should be.

I still like Eternity and use it at every opportunity.

‘Love your spunk, Grannymar. You do us (older ladies) proud!’

So wrote Hoof Hearted in America as a comment to Un-Christmas Shopping a post last week where I mentioned a problem while food-shopping at a Supermarket.

I digress for a moment to draw your attention to an article from ABC News Creative Consumer: How to Protect Your New Gifts posted on Christmas Eve. If you are not sure of your rights then take a moment to read it.

Now back to Taking on the Big Boys. I have two tales to tell and they are both connected with this time of year. I will tell one now and save the other for tomorrow.

Jack, my late husband retired from work in 1985. He spent most of his working life as a sales rep for a well known American food company. Part of a small team here in Northern Ireland, his territory crossed the religious divide. ‘Krafty’ as he was known to some customers, was well liked wherever he went and he could sell Oil to Arabs or Ice to Eskimos as if it was the ‘newest must have’ or latest invention! His sales figures were legendary in the company.

After retirement he received, as I still do, a Christmas card signed by the Vice President and Area Director of the company. About 10 days before the holiday a parcel would arrive addressed to my husband, it contained a small food hamper suitable for one person. Items included a small bar of fruitcake (un-iced), and a single portion sized Christmas pudding, packet of three cheese biscuits, tiny tins of ham, tongue, pâté, fruit cocktail & custard. The only normal sized items were box of Fruit Jellies, a stick of Cracker Barrel Cheese and a tub of Vitalite.

Year one everything was fine and edible.

Things changed over the next couple of years and recognisable brand names were replaced by ones unheard of. Elly was a young school girl and was fascinated by the idea of the miniature pudding. It required TWO hours steaming……now that I objected to. After about four years I got cross. Jack was out to lunch with some friends one day and not being a person fond of waste I decided to make a sandwich and use the tin of ham. I opened the tin and was unable to slice the meat; it was as tough as shoe leather. The tongue was no better and the cake slab went to crumbs when it saw the knife. It was only possible to eat it with a spoon, and it tasted like sawdust.

That night when Dinner was over and bedtime story told, I sat to the table with note paper and a pen.

“What are you doing Darling?” asked Jack.

“I am writing to complain about the quality of the food hamper!” I replied.

“You can’t do that, Pet.” He said. “It was a gift.”

“Oh! But I can!” I said. “Don’t worry I will let you read the letter before I post it!”

Jack went back to his book and I concentrated on my composition. I addressed the letter to the Vice President and Area Director, by Name. Well why not he was the person who signed the Christmas card a couple of weeks earlier!

I began by thanking the kind gentleman for the card and gift of a food hamper to my husband each year since he retired, saying how nice it was to still be remembered as part of the Company family. I reminded him of all his fine words over the years about my husband’s impressive sales figures, and of the fact that all retirees were not living alone. The ‘Hamper for One’ was an insult to the effort to produce those sales figures, and to the wives who washed the shirts, helped and supported the men (sorry girls) working and travelling at times in very difficult situations, particularly in Northern Ireland.

Then I put the ball in his court. I said people were reluctant to complain about a gift particularly at Christmastime. I told him that we did not live on Caviar and fillet steak everyday, but I did manage to produce nutritious edible and tasty meals on a daily basis. I went on to describe the hamper contents as above. I mentioned that the gift we received was perhaps not the gift the company was paying for, but that if it was, then perhaps it was time for the Company to consider sending the money directly to Charity. I finished by wishing him personally and all the staff, good wishes and successful sales figures for the year ahead.

“Right love” I said handing the letter to Jack.

“You are really going to send that?” said Jack.

“Why not, it is the truth?” I said.

“Go ahead then, but you will never hear from them!” Jack said.

I addressed, sealed and stamped the letter before walking down to the local post box with it.

About a month later a letter addressed to me with the company logo popped through the door. It was an apology from said VP for the delay in replying to my letter. He had been away from the office for several weeks and was only beginning to deal with correspondence. He thanked me for taking the time to write and he was very interested in what I had to say. He promised to look into the situation and get back to me.

Well he did get back to me and as a result of my letter, changes were made. All the company pensioners received Food Gift Vouchers every year since. They are a much better idea as they can be used in many Food Retailers and are valid until the end of April.

Now that is enough for today. I have a smelly story for Part 2

Did you really ENJOY getting all those cutesy little gifts for Christmas from every person in your address book? You know the ones ~~

Smellies, of the candle or cosmetic variety that immediately turn your stomach or give you a rash.

Chocolates you are not supposed to eat or have nuts in to break your teeth or catch under your dentures.

A tasteless little ornament, to clutter a shelf and give you stress every time you see it.

Travel slippers three sizes to small

So here’s what I got:

I bet that he probably made you smile.

When you’re finished trying to see up his loincloth, (and you just looked again, didn’t you??) now put him back and remember I got him first!

 

Thank you Santa!

My bed was a mess this morning. I had a disturbed night. It seldom happens, but last night I was dreaming! Serves me right for drinking that Punch!

Some of it is coming back to me now….

“The bags are packed …and he’s ready to go!” So the song goes and the elves were singing it. They have worked long and hard over the past months, making sorting and packing all the items for the sleigh. All the sacks stood by the door ready to go on the sleigh. The elves were wrapped up and outside all set to line up the Reindeer into position and put on the harness for the journey. They stood two by two. First there were Dasher & Dancer, then next stood Prancer & Vixen, closely followed by Comet & Cupid and lastly Donder & Blitzen. With all of these fine fellows in line, Rudolph being an old hand. walked to the front of the line and took his place…..

I must have dosed off because the next thing I realised was that the sleigh was packed and with a great Ho! Ho! HO! Santa was waving to Mrs Claus and all the elves… and then look what happened:

All that planning and checking his lists and reindeers fed etc. then a reindeer keels over….

This was a calamity so the reindeer were un-harnessed and the sacks of Toys and games were returned to the house…….

Back in the land of my dreams I realised we were moving and heard Santa mutter to himself “With only 24 hours to travel to all the children right round the world this is not the way to begin”. The bags were not as neatly packed this time and Santa found it hard to get comfortable. Nevertheless there was no going back now, it was onward and upward.

Arriving at the first house Santa made his way down the chimney struggling with a very full sack. It felt a little different for the list he had for the household.

When he opened the sack he had a great shock, “This never happened before” he said, ” How did I get the dirty washing? Wait until I get back home, the elves will know all about it. It is a good job I have the bag of spare toys!”

The last part I remember really shocked me and I covered my eyes…

I hope it was not Elly & George!