Grannymar

Anatomy Class

The anatomy professor says, “Now, class, I’ve a few questions for you about the homework.

Miss Murphy! Stand please.” [She stands.]

“What organ expands to ten times its normal size when excited?”

Miss Murphy flushes and fidgets.

Finally the professor tells her to be seated.

“Mister Campbell: stand please and answer the same question.”

“It’s the pupil of the eye, sir.”

“Very good, Mister Campbell.

Miss Murphy, I have three things to say to you.

First, you haven’t done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. Third, your in for a *big* disappointment.”

Ten ages of Beautiful Women

Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.

Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.

Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I can’t go to school looking like this!)

Age 20: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly”- but decides she’s going out anyway.

Age 30: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly” - but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it, so she’s going out anyway.

Age 40: She looks at herself and sees “clean” and goes out anyway.

Age 50: She looks at herself and sees “I am” and goes wherever she wants to go.

Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn’t bother to look Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

Ten-year-old Lucy was staying with her grandmother, who always told her stories about the Bible. Then one day Lucy floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?

Molly aged five and her four-year-old brother Jamie, were sitting together in church. Jamie giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.” “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Jamie asked. Molly pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”

I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I’m the life of the party…… even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I’m very good at opening childproof caps… with a hammer.

I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying.

I’m very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over…

I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.

I’m so cared for — long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I’m not really grouchy,

I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, noisy kids, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can’t seem to remember right now.

I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.

I’m having trouble remembering simple words like…….

I’m beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?

I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I’m a walking storeroom of facts….. I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Yes, I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

The Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the Commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Quick as a flash one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

God made dogs and cats

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.

I have decided that Thursdays need a little treat so starting today Thursday Specials will contain a short story to brighten your day.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God Looks like.’

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,

‘They will in a minute.’

A young farm lad from North Kerry went to study at University in Dublin, but about one month into the first term, he had foolishly squandered away all of the allowance his parents gave him.

Then he had an idea. He called his daddy. “Dad,” he said, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a course here at college that will teach our dog Blackie how to talk!”

“That’s absolutely amazing,” his father says. “Do you think I might get him enrolled on the course?”

“Just send him up here to me with €1,000″ the boy says. “I’ll get him into the course. So, his father sends the dog and the €1,000.

About 6 weeks later, the money ran out again. The boy called his father again.

“So how’s Blackie doing, son,” his father asks.

“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this - they’ve had such good results with this course that they’ve started a new one to teach the animals how to READ!”

“READ,” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that course?”

Just send €2,500, I’ll get him in the class. His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. The Christmas holiday was approaching, his father would find out that the dog could neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home for the holiday, his father is all excited.

“Where’s Blackie? I just can’t wait to see him talk and read something!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some bad news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Blackie was in the living room reading the Irish Times, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ‘is your daddy still messing’ around with that little redhead who lives in Tralee?’

The father says, “I hope you SHOT that F*ck*r before he talks to your Mother!”

“I sure did, Dad!”

“That’s my boy!”

I am sure that young lad will go far!