Grannymar

It was supposed to be one of my rest days.  However, I was awake in time to hear the shipping weather forecast at 5.20 am on BBC Radio 4 .  I lay and listened until about seven fifteen before hunger pangs got the better of me.

Going to the kitchen, I filled & boiled the kettle then set my muesli covered in orange juice, a side bowl of dried fruit & nuts, the mornings medication, a beaker and a coffee pot filled with boiling water on a tray.  Back I went to bed with my feast.  I was determined to stay in bed for a couple more hours.  Tobias was patiently waiting to amuse me when the food was finished.

The calm was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell.  Wrapped in my dressing gown I went to investigate.  With a bunch of keys like those of a jailer I undid the locks and opened the door expecting to see the Post man with a large letter or parcel.

It was not the Post man.

It was a young man.  He had my address.  He seemed surprised that I was not expecting him.

Ok!  So this is where you come in….

Which of you asked the Environmental Health Department to come and FUMIGATE my house????

I told the guy he was a little early and he offered to come back.

“You are 363 days early” I said.  “April Fools day has passed for this year!”

He was not amused.

I was!

I finally convinced him that he had the incorrect address and sent him on his way.

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I got figgety and had to get up.  I needed to clean something, anything to rid myself of the feeling that my house was dirty.  The sun was shining so I went outdoors selected a task and set to work.  Several hours later I had this to show for my pains:

Never mind the state of the bucket it had served well for about 30 years.  The brown stuff inside it came from the spouting at the front of my bungalow .  Don’t tell Elly I was climbing a ladder, she will kill me.  In the past cleaning the spouts would have taken me about two hours all told.  It took me most of the day this time, I move more slowly now and needed to stop for rest several times.  I managed to clear up and put everything away before the rain started.

I have been resting ever since!  No! I will not climb up to clean the spouts at the back, as it is as high as a two story house.  I will find a toyboy to do that job for me.

I am not talking personal hygiene here, but I am going back to the days when any decent young lady was not available for a date on one night of the week because she was washing her hair!

I take you back to the days before pressing buttons, and we are not talking modern phone help lines here…!

A biker from Ballydehob went to the local garage to have his bike fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far away and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at a hardware shop and bought a bucket and an anvil. Next he went to see a livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling back onto the street he now had a problem: how to carry all his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to Ballydehob Post office?”

The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live right beside it. I would walk you home, but I can’t carry all this.”

The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”

The biker said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”