Thursday Special ~ SIPPING VODKA
Why do people think I am obsessed with Vodka, I wonder?
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, ‘When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.’
So next Sunday he took the Monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
- Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated..
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the spook. - David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’
- When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, ‘Take this and eat it for it is my body.’ He did not say ‘Eat me’.
- The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
Thank you Maynard for sharing! hic!
Nick said,
August 27, 2009 at 8:40 am
Wow, if all sermons were like that, I’d be a very regular church attender! In fact I suspect every church would be full to overflowing.
Kate said,
August 27, 2009 at 10:14 am
I had a friend who was a catholic curate many years ago and it amazed me that he was so ‘normal’ (well all our priests were ancient) But me and Father Tom used to go to the pub together - we had some real good laughs, particularly about sermons!
At the time ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’ had just come out and, in an attempt to get some youngsters back into church Father Tom used my ‘JC’ album in his service - it worked!!!
Keep sipping the vodka Grannymar - its helping my memory (?)
Rhyleysgranny said,
August 27, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I enjoyed that with my morning cuppa. I have it posted in my foodie forum……………………don’t do me for copyright Gran
They always say in Rome the only way to cross a road is grab a passing Priest or Nun. Nothing to do with vodka but absolutely true. A memory that just popped into my head. Maybe Kate is right 
Rumuuser said,
August 27, 2009 at 12:28 pm
So, the Chupa Rustom (Anonymous Hero) has become Nanga Hero(Naked Hero)! Hail to Maynard. May he send you many more stories of this type.
Hic! Indeed.
Rumuuser said,
August 27, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Belief - Alcohol is the main cause of liver damage.
Fact - The number one cause of liver failure is ACETAMINOPHEN. The key ingredient in Tylenol, Excedrin and many other pain medications. Do not exceed the dosing instructions when taking ACETAMINOPHEN products. It could cost you your liver. (Source - Bron Smith’s Health Capsules)
So, hic! again.
Maynard said,
August 27, 2009 at 12:43 pm
IT”S TIME— Ellybabes, take the vodka away from your mother!!!!!!!
Magpie11 said,
August 27, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Wake some torta with it!
I needed that sip of humour as stress was rearing it’s ugly head!
Thank you Maynard.
Q: Why is Maynard acknowledged and not others?
Ashok said,
August 27, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Three cheers to Vodka
Nancy said,
August 27, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Grannymar,
Funny, a friend of mine just sent me this story a few hours ago. With all the talk about drinks and such, this story fits right in,don’t you think?
An old guy has often been asked, ‘What do you old folks do now that you’re retired’?”
” Well..I’m fortunate enough to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine. And I’m pretty damn good at it, too!!”
Grannymar said,
August 27, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Hic! What have I missed? hic!
Nick - I am available to preach on Sunday!
Kate - I met quite a few ‘good eggs’ amongst the clergy in my time. They sure made up for the other kind.
Rhyleysgranny - memories, like the stories keep coming around. What was that song… ‘The world is a circle….’
Ramana - You are turning my blog into health clinic!
hic!
Maynard - She is in another Country! (Maybe even another world!
)
Magpie - Sometimes I suffer from senior moments
Glad I cheered you up!
Ashok - I thought you were a beer man.
Nancy - That is a good one.
bikehikebabe said,
August 27, 2009 at 5:52 pm
I sent Rummuser’s comment to all my family & people I want to keep living.
“Belief - Alcohol is the main cause of liver damage.
Fact - The number one cause of liver failure is ACETAMINOPHEN. The key ingredient in Tylenol, Excedrin and many other pain medications.”
chrisb said,
August 27, 2009 at 7:01 pm
I’ve seen this one before and it’s still funny second time around.
TheRavingDave said,
August 27, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Well this is my opinion on the matter! Lol.
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all
the vodka I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vodka factory
and all of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn’t drink this vodka,
they might be out of work
and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself,
It is better that I drink this vodka
and let their dreams come true
than be selfish and worry about my liver”
Darlene said,
August 27, 2009 at 9:41 pm
If we could all hold our liquor the way grannymar could the vodka workers would be set for life. Tee many martoonies gives me one giant hangover so I now limit it to one.
Mayo said,
August 27, 2009 at 10:05 pm
I hope you have many sips of vodka before the consortium posts tomorrow. I hear Conrad and Rummy are sneaking Irish whiskeys behind your back to try to keep up!
Grannymar said,
August 27, 2009 at 10:35 pm
BHB - I think I got that email too!
Chrisb - Some are worthy of repeating.
TheRavingDave - You mind that liver!
Darlene - One hangover is enough!
Mayo - Are you the County or the clinic? Don’t tell me the boys are struggling….
Baino said,
August 27, 2009 at 10:45 pm
Haha I’ve heard that one before but wouldn’t that make the congregation pay attention! K8 just wrote about a very dull Christening, she should have had that priest officiating!
Grannymar said,
August 27, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Baino - I read K8s piece. Not a welcoming place. Ian ’s Sermon for Sunday is generally on the same topic.
Jean Browman--Cheerful Monk said,
August 28, 2009 at 12:19 am
I’ve seen that picture with the caption, “I try to take one day at a time, but lately they’ve been ganging up on me.”
Grannymar said,
August 28, 2009 at 9:35 am
Jean, I have that picture for many years… long before I had a computer. It did have a message but it was dog eared and torn so I scanned and saved what I could. I love it.
Daniel said,
August 29, 2009 at 11:00 am
That’s a great one - It might explain some of the more ‘interesting’ sermons I’ve heard…
Grannymar said,
August 29, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Daniel = Indeed!