On an Office Wall near You
New Office Policy
Effective January 1, 2009
Dress Code
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Nick said,
November 29, 2008 at 8:22 am
Excellent, ROFL etc. I think there’s a grain of truth in the dress code. Some bosses really do think that if a humble menial has somehow managed to scrimp the cash together to buy a fancy handbag or go Down Under, they obviously don’t need a higher wage, in fact they’re probably earning far too much.
steph said,
November 29, 2008 at 11:20 am
I love the image of being caught in the toilet with trousers down!
jen said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:10 pm
We got told no salary increases, no bonuses last week…
Grannymar said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:52 pm
@Nick - I grew up with the mantra ‘It all reflects on the home training’ ringing in my ears!
Hair was washed, face scrubbed, shoes polished and seams straightened before heading out the door in the mornings. That was in the days prior to Ben’s Boutique giving us tights @ 4s.11p and the posh golden tan ones @ 6s 11p. High living how are you!
@Steph - That mind of yours needs a swill!
@Jen - Difficult times indeed. They will pass - I know - I’ve lived through several recessions and come out the other side.
chrisb said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Very good Grannymar-it gave me a good laugh!
Susan said,
November 29, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Grannymar
I’m tagging you with the a-z of homemaking!!
Grannymar said,
November 29, 2008 at 6:47 pm
@ChrisB - Glad you enjoyed it.
@Susan - Welcome on board. I will be over shortly to find out my task!
Jefferson Davis said,
November 29, 2008 at 6:59 pm
The toilet one is priceless! If we had the lunch rule in the states, over half the workforce would only get 5 minutes.
kenju said,
November 29, 2008 at 7:19 pm
I am thinking that I don’t want to work there!
Baino said,
November 29, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Lunch break? What’s a lunch break? @Nick- Anyone being paid in Euros can afford to come Down Under . . .we’re half the price we used to be!
Grannymar said,
November 29, 2008 at 9:58 pm
@JD - You go sit at the back with Steph!
@Judy - Me neither!
@Baino - Lunch is a glass of champers and a little nibble.
Nick said,
November 30, 2008 at 8:10 am
Baino - Unfortunately sterling is worth less not more. It’s about time the UK switched to the euro.
Lottie said,
November 30, 2008 at 2:32 pm
“We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work”
They actually enforce this policy in our place.
Grannymar said,
November 30, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Lottie,
Now the UK Government want Drs to say on sick notes what a patient CAN do rather than what they can’t while ill!
Will Knott said,
December 1, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Hello Boss, its me.
I’ve got a highly infectious bug which gives chronic diarrhea.
No I’m not calling in sick. I’m in the toilet next to your office. I’m going to be here a while. I’m willing to keep working if you bring in my laptop.
You might want to bring some air freshener too.
No he can’t bring it. He’s in the stall next to me.
You might want to being his machine too.
No last time I saw her she was running to the ladies. She was wearing her wireless headset so shes probably updating your diary in there.
By the way, can you disable the cameras, the flashes are very distracting.
Oh, that rumbling doesn’t sound good.