Grannymar

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button.
3. If colouring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
7. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old.
8. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in queues.
9. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
10. The average housefly lives for one month.
11. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
12. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
13. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
14. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
15. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
16. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
17. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in “An Officer and a “Gentleman” and “Tootsie.
18. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
19. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburettor.
20. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

They are all TRUE … Now go back and think about #14!!!

“OLD” IS WHEN….. Your darling says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”

“OLD” IS WHEN….. A sexy young girl catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fibre today.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the car park.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. An “all-nighter” means not having to get up to pee.

If you’re under 50, go on laugh.

If you’re over 50, tell them…. Life gets the last laugh!

Grannymar’s 3rd Great Grandfather 1763 - 1836

This image is circa 1800 The original is still in the old Homestead.

A Donegal boy and his dad were in Dundrum Town Centre. It was their very first trip away from the farm. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, ‘What is this Dad?’ The dad (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’

While the boy and his dad were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his dad watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The dad, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.

‘Go get your mother.’

Yet another story of Elly’s life in Northern Ireland in the early 80’s.

I feel like I have a swimming pool of water in my ears. The left ear is worse than the right one. Last week when I was out and about I met an acquaintance, and we stood in the street to chat and catch up on each others families etc. The usual traffic was passing by and I realised that I was concentrating on her mouth. OMG! I was trying to Lip Read! This is a recent phenomenon. In fact I have only noticed it since my last stay in Cardiac Care.

In Message in a Bottle Part 2 I mentioned that event and how I was in the early stages of Hypothermia. My temperature was checked every 15 minutes by a contraption that was stuck in my ears. Now I wonder if that had anything to do with my problem, or is it yet another side effect to a new medication added to the basket full I already have.

I spoke to my GP about it and she examined both ears. She said I had plenty of wax in there so we started with drops to see if they might dissolve and solve the problem. They didn’t! Next stage is to have my ears syringed on Wednesday next. This is a warning, if you see me wobbling about the street I will be ‘jober as a sudge’ and not under the alfluence of incohol! Nothing louder than a whisper will be allowed around here for the remainder of the week.

Excuse me! I apologise. I have burped! My mother would be horrified; she always told us it was impolite to burp. I will try not to do it again.

As I put my hands back on the keyboard I realise they do not match today. The right has a long scratch that has formed into a scab while the left one has a multi-coloured bruise. These blemishes are my reward for a few hours in the garden the other day. I only have to think about touching something and a bruise appears. It is enough to make me shiver.

It set thinking. Why do we shiver, bruise, form scabs on scratches burp, or have excessive wax in our ears?

Why do we shiver?

When we shiver, our bodies are doing the opposite of sweating. Sweating cools the body by putting a layer of liquid on the skin. Shivering tightens the skin and shakes the muscles, a process that conserves and generates heat. You can stop your shivering by bundling up—just like your mother says.

Why does a bruise turn colours?

A bruise is actually a pocket of blood under the skin caused by a broken blood vessel. It changes colour and fades as the body reabsorbs the blood from the bruise.

How does a scab form?

Scabs patch up holes in the skin. Certain cells in our bloodstream recognize when our skin has been broken. These cells, called platelets, start patching the break in the skin and call in other blood components to help complete the process. They do an amazing job. Don’t make your platelets work overtime by picking your scabs!

What causes a burp?

When we eat, we swallow air with our food. Our stomach already has air in it from bacteria that produces gas and from chemical reactions caused by digestive enzymes. When there is too much air to fit in our stomach, we force some out in what we call a “burp.” It’s funny that something considered impolite occurs so naturally.

Where does ear wax come from?

Ear wax is made by skin glands near our ear drums. The wax protects the ear canals and acts as a barrier against bugs and bacteria. Only in cartoons can it be used for candles!

So now you know!

My friend Tony with a group of University Lecturers, well established in their careers, decided to visit their old esteemed university professor, now elderly and retired. During their visit conversation evolved into complaints about stress in their work and lives.

The professor offered his guests coffee. The professor returned from the kitchen with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups: porcelain, pottery, glass & plastic. Some were plain looking and others were fancy. The professor urged the group to help themselves to the coffee.

When the entire group held a cup of coffee the professor observed, “Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups have been used while the plain and cheap ones remain. While it is understandable for you to want only the best for yourselves, it demonstrates the source of your problems and stress.”

“Be assured,” he continued, “that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases a fancy cup simply is more exclusive and may obscure what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not a cup. But you consciously went for the best cups… and then you began eyeing each other’s cups.”

“Now consider this: Life is the coffee. Your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools that hold and contain life. The type of cup one has does not define, nor change the quality of life a person lives. Some times, by concentrating primarily on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us.”

“The happiest people don’t have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.”

I, Grannymar, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of dickhead politicians who couldn’t pass 4^th year biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine
Dark chocolate
G&T

Dark chocolate
Glass of wine
Fillet Steak, onions, mushrooms & Chris Cross Chips

G&T
Dark chocolate
Tapas
Dark chocolate
Pooh Bear Ice cream

Dark chocolate
Pooh Bear Ice cream
G&T
Pot of real coffee

Dark chocolate with Pooh Bear Ice cream
G&T
Dark chocolate

It should be presumed that I won’t ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the “fat lady sing”… and call it a day.

You can always bury me in a Chocolate box, preferably dark!

Do we know what our children are up these days? Do we care?

Yesterday I had an email asking if I was hungry. It was one of those days when I almost forgot to eat.

Once I read the message my tummy rumbled and I became obsessed with the need to eat. Now what was I going to have?

Can’t eat Beef, = Mad cow

Can’t eat chicken, = Bird flu

Can’t eat eggs, = Salmonella

Can’t eat pork, = fears of trichinosis

Can’t eat fish, = heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat

Can’t eat fruits and veggies, = insecticides and herbicides

Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!

Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds

Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds (If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately).

‘That’s why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn’t want to risk it.

Remember - - - ‘STRESSED’ spelled backwards is ‘DESSERTS’