Grannymar

There was a time in my young days when passing the window of a shoe shop, particularly in early springtime, was an utter impossibility for me. It was a time when my hard earned cash provided me with a new outfit each spring, summer, autumn and winter. These outfits became ‘Sunday best’. The purchasing was not complete until the hat; gloves, bag and shoes all matching, were chosen.

I am talking about the days where all well mannered young ladies attending any job interview arrived punctually wearing her hat and her gloves. On entering the interview room she stood until invited to sit down. When sitting she kept her knees together and not crossed, keeping her gloves on throughout the meeting! “Why?” I hear you ask. Taking off ones gloves was considered forward and gave the impression that you were there to stay! Gosh I am so glad that things have moved on since then.

Leaving that tangent, I come back to my topic of shoes. I am not quite in the ‘Imelda Marcos’ category but I do confess to several pairs of shoes. I like to keep them clean and place shoe-trees in them as soon as I take them off. This helps keep them in shape and good condition. When they have cooled off I store them in their boxes lined with tissue. I have shoes that were purchased eight or nine years ago and still they look like new. They have spent more time on my feet than in the boxes.

Yesterday I ventured out to look for a new pair of shoes to go with the outfit that Elly helped me choose for her wedding. I headed for Ballymena and McKillen’s a well known Footwear Emporium in these parts. I walked slowly past the goods on display and realised once more that age was catching up on me. On past visits I have found difficulty in choosing only one pair of shoes. This time I was saddened that nothing appealed to me – I came away empty handed. I did find another shop who had a pair in the colour I wanted but alas not in my size. They offered to call their other branches this morning to see if they had my size. A phone call in the last hour confirmed my hunch that I was out of Luck. I am back to square one.

Now in desperation I have searched the net and think I have found the very thing.

So what do you think lads, would these heels do something for you?

Is it any wonder young people nowadays are so confused?

A day without laughter is a day wasted

Some people, when hearing a joke, smile. A collection of 17 muscles around their mouth contorts and their eyes crease up.
Others laugh. They emit a series of short vowel-like notes, each around 75 milliseconds long, repeated at regular intervals of 210 milliseconds apart.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old: You grow old because you stop laughing.

Laughter is a funny business. It’s part of human behaviour all over the world, irrespective of culture. It takes place whenever two or three people meet informally, when somebody else strokes our feet, when a four-month-old baby sees a familiar smiling face.

Laughter is the music of the heart.

Laughter makes us less stressed, lowers our blood pressure and reduces anxiety. It’s more common than sex, eating or singing. And yet it remains one of the least understood aspects
of human behaviour.

Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

Some guy has taken the time to write this all down. He calls it the rules from the male side. I wonder if it was my Sin-in-Law?

Please note… these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!

Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cricket, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her G.P. to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido.

“What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor?

“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin!”

“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who inquired as to
progress.

The poor woman exclaimed, “Oh, Saint Francis tonight! T’was terrible. Just terrible, doctor!”

“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”

“Oh, no, no, no, Doctor, the sex was fine indeed! T’was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years. But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in the village coffee shop again!”

Since this is Easter Sunday and Blogging folk seem to have a rather loose religious theme I thought I would let you in on Eve’s Talk with God

“Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“And why is that Eve?”

“Lord, I’m lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“Man? What is that Lord?”

“A flawed creature, with many bad traits; he’ll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I’ll create him in such a way that he’ll satisfy your physical needs. He’ll be witless and revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be as smart as you, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, raising one eyebrow, “but what’s the catch, Lord?”

“Well, you can have him on one condition.”

“And what’s that, Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you’ll have to let him believe I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. You know, woman to woman.”

Nancy where are you? We have not heard from you for such a long time. I am really getting worried because ‘my new best friend’ Granny has not appeared for several days. That ‘ould codger’ Grandad said she had the flu but we all know he is a very jealous man….. He is fighting with Twenty and worse still using ‘Twenty’s’ dreadful language.

Since Granny & Offspring have started to blog he has really tipped over the edge. He claims that Bertie Aheron (his spelling) is digging holes in the lane near his house. In this frame of mind anything is possible.

Is there any chance Nancy of you contacting your friend ‘GW’ and arranging a team of spies to come over and suss things out?

Dario while you have a long weekend to yourself run up the mountain and have a little snoop about. If you ask nicely John of Dublin might bring his camera

Check out the pigsty and the hen house and then make sure Granny is not trussed up and bundled into the hayloft.

I suppose there is a chance she has locked herself away for some peace to get on with her creative writing. She should have come to stay with me as the only men allowed here are toy-boys and I would keep them well away from her!

Now listen Boys, you better watch out as tiddles is on the loose!

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day, you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato bags.

Then move up to 50lb potato bags, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level now.)

After you feel confident at that level, put one potato in each sack.