Grannymar

A few weeks ago I was away for a few days it was a quiet break in the country. I went out walking one morning, and lo and behold, who do you think I saw? Now I pulled the scarf tightly under my chin and kept my head down. Over a wall between a chicken run and a pigsty I saw Him – yes the one and only Grandad. I was sure it was himself by the way he was muttering. I stooped down behind the wall to listen to what he was saying.

It went like this:

“I’m the life and soul of the party…… even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I’m very good at opening childproof caps… with a hammer.
I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying.
I’m very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over…
I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I’m so cared for — long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I’m not really grouchy,

I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids and Toyota commercials, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can’t seem to remember right now.

I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
I’m having trouble remembering simple words like…….

I’m beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I’m a walking storeroom of facts….. I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom door.”

Most of the time I like young people, I even gave birth to one!

But I also remember the day when:

“grass” was mowed,

“coke” was a cold drink,

“pot” was something your mother cooked in and

“rock music” was your grandmother’s lullaby.

“Aids” were helpers in the School Principal’s office,

“chip” meant a piece of wood,

“hardware” was found in a hardware shop and

“software” wasn’t even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us “old and confused” and say there is a generation gap…

Today we might have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing etc. We didn’t have those things when we were young; so we invented them,

Now what the hell are you doing for the next generation??

Granny, when you are coming up to stay with me I would like you to pay particular heed to your mode of dress. My neighbours are rather genteel and since most of them are in their nineties you might say they were a little conservative.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets where you live, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided at all costs:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. A pierced tongue and dentures

3. Miniskirts and support hose

4. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

5. Speedo’s and cellulite

6. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

7. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

8. Bikinis and liver spots

9. Short shorts and varicose veins

10. Roller Blades and a walker

Granny when you come up to stay with me you better bring the purse. I saw something this afternoon that might make a good little present for Grandad.

California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as…

PINO MORE

His hair would stay in place and shine like the paint on a sh*t house door on a frosty morning! Serve him right if it never came off! He is no oil painting you know, so she can leave him at home.

Now that Granny doesn’t have all her sorrows to seek, living half way up a mountain no running water with only sheep for neighbours. I have decided to let her be my new best friend. She wants to come and stay with me for a little holiday. Sure that would be a great idea we can sit and have a good old chat.