Archive for September, 2006
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run–anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, ” Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the
room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
No, I didn’t make it up, but I hope it made you smile!
New Diet Rules
I came across this list some time ago and would like to share it with you. The New diet rules are:
1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2.When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the diet soda cancels the calories in the candy bar.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Ex: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and cheesecake
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel. Ex: milkshakes, buttered popcorn, mints, and nachos
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. Ex: peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon
10. Food of the same colour has the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other.
My Sleeping Partner
I came too slowly, realising that I was not alone in the bed. Mmmm… It has been a long time since I awoke to having my face stroked. I opened my eyes and there he was scurrying away from me, surely I don’t look that bad when I first wake in the morning?
Now wait a minute, you don’t fondle me in my own bed and then make a run for it. I want evidence!
Where is the camera when you need it? Right young man, come out from your hiding place and face the music. Got you, a real beauty!
Do you think I should tell my daughter?
